With A Grateful Heart Cont'd

“You Can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need”    –          Mick Jagger

Grab a cuppa, a cozy wrap and hang the do not disturb sign up so you can settle in on this cold winter day to read a little story, my love story……

When I close my eyes I can travel back to the winter of 2010. I was now four months into this still unfamiliar estrangement period and learning to navigate solo. Made it through the holidays and knee surgery. The climb out of this black hole my life had fallen into had begun. Little did I know that in less than two months my marriage would be mending. By January my husband had realized that the chapter of his life with his old love needed to close. The harder question for both of us to face now was whether he wanted to be married or not.

In the meantime, I was tapping into my toolbox that had been filling up over the years with skills acquired as a psychotherapist and my practices of yoga and meditation. Following my knee surgery, when all my physical practices (yoga, hiking, nature) had been taken away all I could do was breathe. When strong emotions would well up, I let them come, always coming back to my breath. Inhale, exhale, repeat was my practice. Tears came a lot during that dark time and I did not stop the waves of anger, grief, sadness and loss when they crashed to shore. When the waves retreated, however, I consciously chose different ways to be in the present. In spite of my anger my heart kept pointing towards compassion. Don’t get me wrong. I had a few Carrie Underwood, baseball bat to the headlight thoughts. Just chose to redirect them.

Somewhere along the way I learned about the giving & receiving practice of Tonglen (something the Dalai Llama did to cope with his own exile and annihilation of his people & his homeland). Tonglen is a beautiful practice that teaches us how to be present for our own suffering and the suffering of others. Frequently when my emotions were too much to bear I would breathe in any suffering my husband was experiencing and breathe out compassion for him. I knew my husband was a beautiful man wrestling with many issues of simply being human.

During my sitting times and attempts to move these boulders that had fallen onto my path, books were a comforting companion. New perspectives allowed me to shift my view of life and open myself to a deeper understanding of love. The Myth of Monogamy, A Grown Up Marriage, Undefended Love,and The New Monogamy taught me that humans are not biologically hard wired for monogamy; infidelity is very, very common; marriages can survive affairs and we can love more than one person. Most importantly a marriage can be re-envisioned and the sacred contract of matrimony can be renegotiated. Ultimately acceptance of my circumstances (not agreement with) became my new companion on this untraveled road. Sarah Ban Breathnach says ‘accepting and blessing our circumstances is a powerful tool for transformation’ and ‘ illuminates reality so that we’re better able to see the next step’. 1 Another practice, gratitude still washes over me as I remember with fondness all the support I received in person and from a distance. My parents would call to check on me and often simply listened to my tears from the other end, holding space for my grief. Friends were always close by to listen and be a loving presence for me as I figured things out.

As Joseph Campbell says when you say yes to the call, guides will appear. Many guides (I think some of them were earth angels) did appear as beacons of light to help me find my way in the darkness. One of them, without ever meeting her in person, gave me the wisest council on how to view this unasked for event. She taught me that sometimes obstacles are for our own spiritual growth and not because we had done anything wrong. Obstacles are the path says an ancient Japanese proverb and how we grow. Shifting my perspective and how I viewed what was happening changed everything. Without any proof, I just chose trust vs suffering. The choice to trust has made all the difference in my life.

My beloved and I had met in Richmond, Virginia while working at a racquetball club. We worked, played and socialized with our club ‘family’. When we said our vows all of our ‘club’ friends were witnesses to our commitment to one another. Part of my estranged spouses’ journey took him back to Richmond that Spring to play in a racquetball tournament in the same club where the roots of our relationship were established. The memory of our beginnings began to return to him along with why we got together in the first place. During his time away we stayed in touch by phone and were still very connected energetically. One day he called and I heard the lyrics to Mick Jagger’s song over the phone ….. and I knew a shift was happening.

by pimperius

The movie Avatar had come out the year my husband “went off the reservation” as one of his Aunts called his behavior. Loved that movie. One of my favorite scenes was when Neytiri placed her hand on Jakes’ heart and said “I see you.” In spite of everything I could still see my husband’s goodness and human essence. Even though I was ready to let him go, I kept holding onto a prayer of him coming back. Late in March my prayer was answered. After rediscovering the feelings from the beginning of our relationship while in Richmond, he turned his car around and headed home. The night he came back it was late and I had already retired for the night. When he climbed into bed I remember saying to him something silly like ‘do you come here often’. We had a chuckle, wrapped our arms around each other, began falling in love all over again and into a deep sleep. Both of us knowing a big weight had been lifted from our history and the re-envisioning and mending of us could now begin.

We never know what life will offer us, but we do get to choose how we respond to what is given. Being curious instead of fearful is much more fun. We don’t need all the answers and sometimes waiting for wisdom to be revealed can bring more joy than ever imagined. Adding practices of acceptance, gratitude and compassion can do wonders for the journey. One constant is that everything changes. When we learn to ride the waves of life instead of swimming against the tide you never know what will be just around the bend. Who knows, you just might get everything your soul desires.

1 Breathnach, Sarah Ban, Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, Warner Books, 1995

The Big Reframe

How we look at life is learned and can be unlearned. Developing practices that expand awareness and observation skills such as yoga or meditation can help strengthen this ability. Simply recognizing that there’s a forest beyond the trees is helpful as well. Perception changes everything. And the cool thing is we get to choose which lens we look through or angle we take on a subject. When the moon is full on one side of the planet, its dark on the other side. In some situations immediate action is needed, however, sometimes all that is required is waiting. Coming from a  place of curiosity is a useful way to practice waiting to see what unfolds. There is a requirement though, one need’s to come from a place of trust vs. fear in order for waiting to be tolerated.

One of the best examples of this concept is an episode from my all time favorite show, Northern Exposure. This show was ahead of its time, combining indigenous & nature wisdom, Jungian psychology, dream work & endearing characters that even after 20 years have been imprinted in my heart & psyche. Enjoy the following memorable moment when Ed is trying to make sense out of being struck by lightening that illustrates the power of perception offered by Iris Watts Hirideyo (This post is the creative work of Iris Watts Hirideyo and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License. Would love to hear your comments!

Ed: Boy, Marilyn, I’ve been thinking about this lightning thing so much, I’ve gone and given myself a headache.

Marilyn: Maybe you shouldn’t think about it.

Ed: I tried that, too. When I try not thinking about it, the only thing that goes through my head is still It. (pause) Who do you think is right? Is it a nihilistic universe with no meaning, oh, other than survival, or does the enlightenment view prevail? Does the Creator have a master plan, and if so, what is it?

Marilyn: My uncle once told me about a warrior who had a fine stallion. Everybody said how lucky he was to have such a horse. “Maybe,” he said. One day the stallion ran off. The people said the warrior was unlucky. “Maybe,” he said. Next day, the stallion returned, leading a string of fine ponies. The people said it was very lucky. “Maybe,” the warrior said. Later, the warrior’s son was thrown from one of the ponies and broke his leg. The people said it was unlucky. “Maybe,” the warrior said. The next week, the chief led a war party against another tribe. Many young men were killed. But, because of his broken leg, the warrior’s son was left behind, and so was spared.

“As Above, So Below….

…as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…” says ancient Greek sage Hermes Trismegistus. I have heard this saying many times over the years and again recently in the movie Origins, a documentary on our environmental health. It simply refers to the delicate symbiotic relationship between the macrocosm and the microcosm or in other words, the planet and humans. The 35 contributing speakers all share their expertise on the state of our health and how it is directly linked to the health of the planet. (Movie can be seen for free until 11/22). Another recent event, the Heal The Earth, Heal The Self Telesummit shared the perspective of 22 speakers on how the wellbeing of humans is interwoven with the earth. Both programs are asking us to examine our relationship to the earth, our habits, how and what we consume and what we are modeling for our children. Claire Dakin, Founder of Tree Sisterssays “humanity is running out of time but it’s not over yet”. She says we must make our health and the health of the environment a priority.

Ecopsychologists say a large percentage of anxiety and depression is related to our disconnect from the earth and because our ways of living are out of sync with the natural world. Chara Armon, creator of the telesummit, says “caring for the Earth is inseparable from caring for ourselves.” These messages resonant deeply within me and are a primary foundation of my work, especially with women. Claire Dakin says “women are the missing link in the climate puzzle”. If you are sick and tired of being sick, tired, depressed, anxious, stressed or feeling disconnected maybe its time to reexamine one’s relationship to the natural world and the earth’s wisdom. ‘When oriented from a place of deep care our natural desire is to fiercely protect and restore’ says Dakin. Women have a natural connection to earth wisdom. Balance won’t happen though until we ‘normalize giving back’. If this blog stirs you and are feeling called to restore yourself and your relationship with the earth maybe its time to take some steps in that direction. One:one mentoring or group activities with other women are available now to find your way and be a part of the healing process ‘above and below’. Contact julie@livingbalanced.org for more information.

“Millions of us around the world are feeling a calling to reclaim the feminine, and in so doing, to awaken our authentic power to co-create the future of our lives.” – imaginecells.org

With A Grateful Heart

 “When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.”   – Barbara Winter

On October 13th I will be celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary. Funny how different a twenty-something’s view of marriage is versus the view at fifty-something. But that day is one of my fondest and because of what happened five years ago I am most grateful for this celebration. Teacher, writer, mystic, Joseph Campbell says “The hero/ine’s journey always begins with the call. One way or another, a guide must come to say, ‘Look, you’re in Sleepy Land. Wake. Come on a trip. There is a whole aspect of your consciousness, your being, that’s not been touched. So you’re at home here? Well, there’s not enough of you there.’ And so it starts.”1 I did not know this at the time but I had received the call.

An early October morning in 2009 will be forever branded into my memory. Seared is more accurate, just the way it must feel for cattle when a rancher puts his mark on them. Burns at first, smoke rises, the image permanently imprinted. My husband had been on a business trip, nothing out of the ordinary as travel has been part of his livelihood for over 20 years. Unbeknownst to me, however, he had arranged to meet an old college love the night before. For some reason we did not make our usual connection on his estimated time of arrival back home before I fell asleep. Consequently, was completely caught off guard by what was about to unfold. His late arrival @ 4am came with the words “I’m not sure I want to be married to you anymore” and the unraveling of our 25 year marriage began. Time stood still while I tried to make sense of what was happening and telling myself this was a dream I would soon wake up from. I began to free fall. Could not breathe. Nothing familiar to hold onto. Nothing to do but fall into the dark abyss of the unknown.

Within 2 weeks, my husband was out of the house. My disorientation period continued, half in the present, half wanting to believe this was not happening. Kept gripping my belly, no appetite, couldn’t sleep, took deep exhales and long walks in the woods or wandered listlessly around my home. The only thing I can compare this experience to was being in labor; focusing on a spot on the wall and breathing as the waves of a contraction washed over me. This adventure endured for 5 months. Even though I prayed every day for my beloved’s return there was a point where I surrendered the marriage having lost all hope of reconciliation. However, I could never completely let go of why I had fallen in love with this person in the first place and all we had experienced together, including two beautiful daughters, and basically growing up with one another.

My surrender was a letting go, not a giving up. Once I accepted my circumstances, however, a shift began to occur. Throughout this whole process my beloved had asked for time to figure this out. Slowly but surely that is what he did. He eventually found his way back home and we have been finding our way back to each other ever since. Our relationship is deeper, more loving, more real than we could have ever imagined. I’m intentionally writing this now as the October Full Moon is ripening. Full Moon’s are the time of the month to release, cast off, shed, bury what is no longer needed. I choose to release this and create space for something new. I haven’t been ready to share any of this out loud until now, but plan to continue “writing down my bones” as a way to heal and bring closure to this life chapter. This is enough for now. But remember, we all lose our way. The real adventure is finding our way back.

1 Osben, Diane K, A Joseph Campbell Companion, Reflections on the Art of Living, 1991, Harper Collins.

Buried Treasure

No I’m not talking about precious gems, coins or fossil fuels. Just plain, clean, refreshing spring water. I had heard about this spring months ago but finding it was put on the back burner due to family obligations (like preparing for my daughter’s wedding!). My interest in the spring rekindled itself so on a recent sunny, late summer morning, the husband & I set out on a treasure hunt to find this liquid gold. Thanks to the website fun springs we were able to locate the general vicinity and do some research on this local resource. Initially we passed right by our destination  and after 45 minutes  we almost gave up. Then I saw the white pipe and the gushing water. Yes, I was like a kid in a candy store. We had just purchased two five gallon collapsible containers and filled them up in no time.

So why was I so excited about this spring? Last fall I had listened to a lecture by Daniel Vitalis, rewilding pioneer, and learned about the benefits of drinking spring water vs. tap or filtered water. He introduced me to findaspring a website that shows the location of fresh springs all over the world. Was quite surprised to discover one right here in my own county. Learn more about the benefits of drinking local living water from his video. According to the fun springs website, this spring has been used by the locals for over 200 years. Reportedly, visitors come from as far away as neighboring states to stock up.  Dr Paul Check says “our bodies are designed to drink water from streams & rivers vs. filtered water” and “nature produces quality water if we don’t disturb it.” What’s in local water informs our bodies about what’s in the environment. So if you are in the mood for a treasure hunt, do some research and consider taking this experiment in reconnecting to our land; honoring the bodies need for fresh, clean water and as Dr. Check says “come to the party of health and well being.”